There’s safety in numbers: When you’re out and about with your girlfriends, ALWAYS leave together! Roofies, GHB and Ketamine are not mixers that you want in your Cosmo.  Sticking with a group of your friends will limit your chances of falling victim to this nasty “date rape” drug.

We Gotta Go Girl

It’s also always good to listen to the “We-Gotta-Go-Girl,” aka The Voice of Reason. Check out this clip from comedian Jeff Heffron:

Women are like the Marines!

Oorah!

– by special guest blogger Dana Shafman of ShieldHer.com, and writer for Examiner.com

There is a serial stalker in my family that habitually stalks at least one of my family members, including me.  This mentally unstable family member, along with many of you, could benefit from a greater understanding of what constitutes stalking in hopes that the stalking behavior would be recognized and possibly halted before it becomes dangerous and criminal.  With that said, a mentally unstable person might not have the wherewithal to stop the harassing behavior and additional actions may need to be taken against the stalker to stop it and for personal protection.

What is Stalking?

The definition of stalking as defined by Wikipedia is as follows:

Stalking is a term commonly used to refer to unwanted, obsessive attention by individuals (and sometimes groups of people) to others.  Stalking can be defined as the willful and repeated following, watching, and/or harassing of another person.  Most of the time, the purpose of stalking is to attempt to force a relationship with someone who is unwilling or otherwise unavailable.

To enhance our definition of stalking, let’s take a glance at how Webster’s New World Law Dictionary defines stalking:

A form of harassment generally comprised of repeated persistent following with no legitimate reason and with the intention of harming, or so as to arouse anxiety or fear of harm in the person being followed.  Stalking may also take the form of harassing telephone calls, emails and computer communications (cyberstalking), letter-writing, etc.

Stalking Stats

Now that we can all define stalking, let’s check out the stalking statistics to put some frightening numbers to the incidence of stalking in the United States:

• About 1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men are stalked in their lifetimes.
• 3.4 million people over the age of 18 are stalked each year in the United States.
• 3 in 4 stalking victims are stalked by someone they know.
• 30% of stalking victims are stalked by a current or former intimate partner whereas only 10% of stalking victims are stalked by a stranger.
• Persons aged 18-24 years experience the highest rate of stalking.
• 11% of stalking victims have been stalked for 5 years or more.
• 46% of stalking victims experience at least one unwanted contact per week.
• 1 in 4 victims report being stalked through the use of some form of technology (such as e-mail or instant messaging).
• 10% of victims report being monitored with global positioning systems (GPS), and 8% report being monitored through video or digital cameras, or listening devices.

Stalking vs. Not Stalking

Now I realize that when we were kids we stalked the hottest guy in school by driving by his house, or called and hung up on the quarterback of the football team (before caller ID),  or even anonymously called in a song on the radio for the “crush of the week” but it was innocent, right?  So when does the stalking leave the “innocent” lane and travel into the “class 3 felony” lane by law? Fear is generally a good gauge to know when innocent stalking (if there is such a things these days) turns criminal.  When innocent stalking becomes “stalking stalking” like “rape rape” as defined by Whoopi Goldberg on The View, there is positively cause for concern.

It’s fascinating to me that people ask me all the time, “How do you know if you are being stalked”, to which I respond, “trust me…you will know”.  I was blessed with two stalkers in 2004 as a result of dating online and offline, which catapulted me to start Shieldher and to help protect women from violence and fear.  I felt that pit in my stomach with both stalkers.  I have since come to trust my gut as it is predictably right and have taught all my students of self defense to do the same.  The point is that we are all hard-wired to feel when trouble comes calling in the form of stalking and violence; we simply need to learn to trust our gut.  Remarkably, gut instincts are said to be correct more than 90% of the time.

In the event you have that gut feeling that you are being stalked and feel you need further confirmation, here are some typical things stalkers do as identified by NCVC (National Center for Victims of Crime):

• Follow you and show up wherever you are.
• Repeatedly call you, including hang-ups.
• Damage your home, car, or other property.
• Send unwanted gifts, letters, cards, or e-mails.
• Monitor your phone calls or computer use.
• Use technology, like hidden cameras or global positioning systems, to track where you go.
• Drive by or hang out at your home, school, or work.
• Threaten to hurt you, your family, friends, or pets.
• Find out about you by using public records or on-line search services, hiring investigators, going through your garbage, or contacting friends, family, neighbors, or co-workers.
• Other actions that control, track, or frighten you.

Facebook creator, Mark Zuckerberg, was in the news recently for obtaining a restraining order against a crazed man named Pradeep Manukonda.  Mark Zuckerberg is a fine example of how you can be stalked in multiple ways as he was contacted by Pradeep Manukonda “the stalker” via snail mail (postal service), internet and in person.  The definition of stalking does not confine it to only physical contact and leaves the door wide open for all mediums of stalking because it is unwanted, obsessive attention and/or harassment in any form.  I was just asked the other day if text messaging and emailing counts as stalking and IT DOES.  In fact, there is now even a new form of stalking called cyberstalking, which is the use of the Internet or other electronic means to stalk or harass an individual, a group of individuals, or an organization.  Check out the stalking technology IQ brochure created by NCVC to see if you are helping your stalker to stalk you more successfully.

Now that stalking has been defined multiple times by two separate reference big boys, let’s run through a few examples to test our new knowledge (click here to take a real quiz).

Example One – Stalking or Not Stalking?

Jessica and Bill are dating and they break up.  Bill moves out but forgets his mountain bike in the garage where Jessica still lives.  Jessica is still upset with Bill and refuses to speak with him so she ignores his calls and messages regarding his mountain bike.  He shows up at her door to collect his bike uninvited.  Bill is Stalking or Not Stalking?

Answer is NOT STALKING (Bill is stalking his bike, not Jessica)

Example Two – Stalking or Not Stalking?

Jessica and Bill are dating and they break up.  Bill moves out of their home and months go by without any communication between Jessica and Bill.  Jessica is still missing Bill after many months and decides to call Bill one evening only to hear a woman’s voice on the other end…Jessica’s pissed that he moved on so fast.  She hangs up abruptly but decides to drive over to his forwarding address to get a better look.  She texts him while outside his new house and while peering through his curtains.  He tells her he’s moved on and his happy then asks that she not contact him again.  She drives by his house every day after for a month but never knocks.  She also texts on a daily basis to persuade him to come back but he never answers his phone when she calls or texts.  Jessica is Stalking or Not Stalking?

Answer is STALKING (repeated, persistent following and/or harassment)

Example Three – Stalking or Not Stalking?

Jessica and Bill are brother and sister but have had a rocky relationship over the past thirty plus years.  Bill has finally upset Jessica to the point that asks Bill not to contact her anymore.  Years go by and Bill forgets the reason that Jessica is not speaking to him so he contact her but she doesn’t call back.  He acknowledges the fact that they have a strained relationship and that Jessica is not interested in speaking with him but continues to attempt communication via phone calls and messages, emails and texts.    Jessica never answers any of Bill’s correspondence.  Bill is Stalking or Not Stalking?

Answer is STALKING (unwanted, obsessive attention/communication)

The purpose of the examples are to enable anyone to identify stalking in a narrative way but again, the gut feeling is the best gauge of danger, including stalking.  The secondary purpose is to shed light on the fact that family members like my mentally unstable family stalker and Bill in the last example, are still stalking and should not be excused for harassing or stalking another by other family members because they are family.  Stalking is stalking regardless of who commits the crime!  Obviously I have some personal experience with the excuses surrounding harassing or stalking behavior in my family and challenge other families like mine to not dismiss the stalking of a family member by another family member because it is REAL and scary at times.

Shielding Yourself From a Stalker

So…what do you do if you are being stalked by an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, a stranger or acquaintance, or by a mentally unstable family member like me?  This is truly a loaded question and quite controversial with regards to legal options like restraining orders and ramifications of those options like escalation due to orders of protection.  NCVC warns us that “stalking is unpredictable and dangerous. No two stalking situations are alike. There are no guarantees that what works for one person will work for another, yet you can take steps to increase your safety.”  They also provide some valuable tips for stalking victims as follows:

• If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
• Trust your instincts. Don’t downplay the danger. If you feel you are unsafe, you probably are.
• Take threats seriously. Danger generally is higher when the stalker talks about suicide or murder, or when a victim tries to leave or end the relationship.
• Contact a crisis hotline, victim services agency, or a domestic violence or rape crisis program. They can help you devise a safety plan, give you information about local laws, refer you to other services, and weigh options such as seeking a protection order.
• Develop a safety plan, including things like changing your routine, arranging a place to stay, and having a friend or relative go places with you. Also, decide in advance what to do if the stalker shows up at your home, work, school, or somewhere else. Tell people how they can help you.
• Don’t communicate with the stalker or respond to attempts to contact you.
• Keep evidence of the stalking. When the stalker follows you or contacts you, write down the time, date, and place. Keep e-mails, phone messages, letters, or notes. Photograph anything of yours the stalker damages and any injuries the stalker causes. Ask witnesses to write down what they saw.
• Contact the police. Every state has stalking laws. The stalker may also have broken other laws by doing things like assaulting you or stealing or destroying your property.
• Consider getting a court order that tells the stalker to stay away from you.
• Tell family, friends, roommates, and co-workers about the stalking and seek their support. Tell security staff at your job or school. Ask them to help watch out for your safety.

Now that we have defined stalking, determined routine behavior of stalkers and warning signs, taken a quick quiz on stalking and provided a laundry list of things to do if being stalked; I’d like to touch base on orders of protection or restraining orders.  Many are quick to rush into a restraining order without understanding that it may not do anything other than to escalate the stalking situation to new heights.  Often times, stalkers are aggravated by legal orders and don’t abide due to mental instability or defiance.  Because law enforcement can’t protect everyone at all times, if you obtain a legal order of protection then I would suggest also arming yourself with some basic knowledge of self defense and a weapon of some sort for personal protection.  Restraining orders give the victim a false sense of security.  A stalking or domestic violence victim should be more concerned for their personal safety AFTER obtaining a legal order of protection.

The only person that you can rely on for protection is YOU!  Therefore, arm yourself with basic self defense knowledge and please have a backup plan that consists of some sort of self defense tool even if it is wasp and hornet spray, which is extremely effective and controversial.  Lastly, remember that your “gut-feeling” is a life saving indicator that you’re in serious danger, and to be prepared to take appropriate steps to defend yourself.   It is often right. Learn to embrace this God-given self-defense instinct.  Never ignore it.

To learn more about stalking click here, to learn more about NCVC click here, to get help if you are being stalked click here, to learn more about Shieldher click here or contact Shieldher.  Be safe!

Born This Way is the new HUGE hit by Lady Gaga with a powerful, positive “feel good” message.  Whether you’re straight, bi or gay, we should all love who we are and what we bring to the world!

Gaga “leaked” this song out yesterday, and it’s burning up iTunes!  The video isn’t out as of 2/12/11, but take a listen and get ready to dance around to this energizing hit.

Born This Way

Ever wonder if this is how your date is going?

Check out this Pepsi MAX Super Bowl 2011 ad:

Here is one of my favorite holiday songs for singles. It’s clever, it’s peppy, it’s about dating, and it’s from the 80′s. How can ya NOT love this!? I couldn’t find an actual video of this song, but here is a karaoke-like version for your enjoyment…

Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses

Okay, get over it already! No one needs to “save you,” and here’s the biggest shocker ladies: THE ARE NO PERFECT MEN.  Oh, and for any men reading this, there are no perfect women either.

Here is a great song from my new favorite, Sara Bareilles, called “Fairytale.” This song is hilarious!

Sara Bareilles – Fairytale

“Haven’t Met You Yet” by Michael Buble

Check out ”Haven’t Met You Yet,” and make your MANifestation list today! Who knows, your date might just show up this weekend when you least expect it.  

If you don’t know what a MANifestation list is, then shoot me an email or send me a note on Facebook at “Stories from the Dating Trenches,” and I’ll be happy to share this simple, yet effective dating technique.

Good luck out there!

Oorah!