Exercise Your Demons!

Working out is vital, whether you’re single or in a relationship. I think it’s a great way to not only improve your health, but to help improve your self-image. If you’ve made working out part of your Dating Trenches strategy, then you’ll laugh your butt off reading my journey through my workout successes and failures. OORAH!

Brazil Butt Lift – Infomercial Trap

So there I was, sitting on my rear, and my favorite purple couch, on Memorial Day. I had managed to lull myself into a state of mental numbness while surfing through about 200 channels of garbage, when I saw yet ANOTHER infomercial. This one was hilarious: the Brazil Butt Lift. I snickered, “Only suckers fall for this stuff! I wonder how many lazy slackers are lounging around watching this and are actually motivated to order this junk?”

Five to seven business days later, my “Brazil Butt Lift” arrived. YES! I freaking bought it. I’m such a consumer.

But Wait – THERE’S MORE!

“Leandro Carvalho’s Brazil Butt Lift” (which is apparently by BeachBody) comes with three DVDs, a 6-Day “Super Model Slim Down Plan,” a measurement tape and tracker, Triangle Training Workout cards, a food guide, a Booty Makeover Guide, a rubber workout band and a large protein powder sample. Whew! And if that wasn’t enough, there was even more…

It also comes with an unsharpended yellow pencil. Why the pencil? So you can see if you’re derriere needs to be lifted, of course! This highly technical tool is used to measure your butt-sag. It works by wedging the pencil between the bottom curve of your rear and your leg. If it stays in place, then sister, you need the Brazil Butt Lift. I wonder it’s a #2 lead – maybe a softer graphite wouldn’t make you feel so fat.

I laughed when I saw the pencil, especially when I discovered that it says, “Pass the ‘Pencil Test’ with Brazil Butt Lift!” I wasn’t laughing when I tried it and the pencil stayed in place. Now I know why it isn’t sharpened.

Day 1 – 6 – Brazil Butt Lift Haunts Me

I’ve had the system for a few days now. I took the meal planner out of the kit, and I’ve carried it around my purse for about a week. I figure I’ll whip it out while shopping for the healthy meal ingredients at the grocery store. After all, if you plan your meals, you’ll do so much better with your food choices. I’ve had to push the planner out of the way several times while digging for cash to buy a latte, a burger, a burrito, etc.  FYI: These items are not on the “Brazil Butt Lift” food list. The book vexes me so, especially when I have to navigate around it to find change for the vending machine.

Day 7 – Bally Total Fitness vs. Brazil Butt Lift

Arthur and I went to Bally Total Fitness today to work out on shoulders. I decided to save my rear workout for my exotic Brazilian exercise routine. Upon arriving at the gym, I was amazed to discover that they has added on an entire new wing. They actually doubled the size of the facility!  Upon starting my tour of the new-and-improved gym, we ran into Dave. He is a workout powerhouse, and he practically lives at the gym. He was entertained by how I marveled at all the changes they’d made. He remarked that the construction had been going on for quite awhile. Dave then pointed out that it must had been a really, really, really long time since I have been there. Yes, Dave, yes it has.

I take advantage of Arthur’s weightlifting expertise and lift along side him. It pisses me off , however, when he corrects my form while doing shoulder presses. He tries to explain the difference between pressure and joint stress while lifting. I educate him on the fact that there’s weight on the bar and it pretty much feels the same no matter what you call it.  I discipline him with a brief time-out silent treatment, and then we’re back on track. My left shoulder hurts – that is what he must have meant by “joint stress.”  I will not admit to this at the time.

I feel good that I’ve worked out, and that I’ve  made an appearance at the gym. This is a great way to kick-start my new regime. I am fully ready to tackle the Brazil Butt Lift bright and early tomorrow morning.

Day 8 – “The Lazy Song,” Bruno Mars and Oregano’s Pizza

The morning came early, especially since I stayed up til 12 a.m. I got up late, quickly walked the dog, and then I was ready to rock with my butt DVDs. At least I was ready until I turned on my stereo and heard a catchy tune called “The Lazy Song” by Bruno Mars. I blame Mr. Mars for making me waste one more day and continue my sloth. This song is so  unmotivating and makes you want to spend all day watching TV and ordering pizza delivery. An Oregano’s pizza sounds good right now. Damn it! Thanks Bruno, would you like to borrow my unsharpened pencil?

“The Lazy Song” by Bruno Mars

Day 9 – The Brio and Elen Sparks Agency Plot

Awe man… I stayed up until 1:30 a.m. messing around on the internet. Now I’m really tired. There is no way I’m getting up early to do this butt lift thing. I stayed in bed as long as I possibly could. I laid there negotiating with myself, “I’ll eat a protein bar in the car for breakfast, so that will give me 5 extra minutes; I go with the linen jacket, so wrinkles won’t matter – there’s at least 8 minutes more I can sleep; I won’t straighten my hair – wearing it curly will buy me another 5 minutes…” No workout again, and butt still not lifted.

That night I meet up with my friend, Elisa Estes of the Elen Sparks Agency, to enjoy appetizers and cappuccinos. Delicious! Nope, it’s not on the Brazil Butt Lift food plan. We plotted out an upcoming off-the-hook event, and then I ran over the Mac Store to get my iPad covered. Side note: I don’t understand why it must be protected, but everyone was freaking out that I didn’t have this magical super thin coating on it so I felt compelled to do so. Oddly enough, the Mac Store does not offer this service, but they directed me to the kiosk across the street.

Unfortunately for my credit card, the kiosk was located right in the middle of an open-air shopping mall: Kierland Commons. I was drawn to the place like a magnet.

I dropped off my iPad with the kiosk guy, and he told me to be back in 45 minutes for my beautifully covered iPad. That was enough time to walk to the other end of the complex, in high heels mind you, and find an outfit for an upcoming event. Side note: I flashed backed to an old Match.com date I once had in this mall many moons ago. He was one of those guys who used a photo from 10 years ago, and he failed to mention the majorly receding hair line.

I did some speed shopping, found the perfect outfit, and then right as I was about to check out of the store, I realized that I’d gone over my time limit. Panic took over as I realized that kiosk guy would be closing up in 3 minutes. OMG! I freaked out, and just as the sales lady was ringing up my new outfit, I blurted, “Stop, wait, hold these clothes! I’ll be back!,” and then I sprang into action and hauled my non-Brazil Butt two blocks in my heels.

I got to the kiosk just in time, claimed my iPad, which looked pretty much the same as it did when I brought it there, and then I had to turn back around and walk the two blocks back to the retail store. This time the walk seemed even longer. I teetered up to the sales desk, got my items, and then walked back again to the kiosk area where my car was parked. At this point I could really feel the effects of trotting around on my open-toed black slingbacks. Upon my last leg of the journey, I then realized that I had jogged about 8 blocks in  2 1/2″ high heels. Now THAT is a workout! Good thing I didn’t exercise this morning.

It’s 11 p.m. now, so time to shut off the computer and take two Advils for the impending cramps in my calves and back.

I have high hopes for my morning workout. Really high.

Day 10…

 

Stay tuned for continued updates to the “Brazil Butt Lift Blog”…

*This is in no way sponsored by or connected to “Brazil Butt Lift” BeachBody or any of it’s affiliates. Don’t tell them about this, or they might make me actually workout.